Not even a year after I finally split from an abusive relationship, I joined the website StarNow. I was 23, and already feeling like I had missed the boat on my dreams.
I put a few pictures of myself up, and a video taken of my band performing at a gig a few years prior. I wasn’t exactly the best singer, but I was alright. Good enough, certainly, to get acting or singing work.
Putting a profile of myself on an audition site was a huge thing for me. My ex had drilled into me that I was a slut purely for having large breasts, that any male talking to me only did so for sex, and that anyone wanting to be in the creative sphere was purely doing so for attention.
I was trapped with him for four years. I split with him after two, but he kept telling me he was going to kill himself – often leading to me having to call the police because he had left to “hang himself from a tree” – and after a month of being single I got back with him purely for that reason. Of course, what I had been up to during that time of being single had to be relayed to him. I was from that point on not allowed to talk to any men at all.
During those four years, if I even broached the subject of being an actress I would be laughed at. Ridiculed. Called a slut. He carved that word above the wall on my side of the bed.
So after finally getting rid of him – physically, at least – I set up a profile on this acting website. And a few weeks later, a comment was left on it.
“Give it up love. Your singing is cringey and you look average at best. Forget it.”
Looking back, it could well have been my ex who wrote that. It was precisely the kind of thing he would have said. This is a man who, during one of the (many) times I dumped him, made a fake Facebook profile of a girl to comment on his photos to try and make me jealous. But at the time, I was mortified. I removed the video, stopped applying for jobs, and eventually applied to be a copywriter at a digital marketing company.
That was years before the same kind of shitty comment would appear on my YouTube channel. To this day, I have no idea why people feel the need to say these things. The prick who commented on my acting profile wasn’t being affected by my presence there – he was simply making me know that he didn’t like it. And I took that to heart.
I sincerely wish that I had not. Because most likely if I hadn’t, I would be where I want to be right at this very moment.
It’s not easy to “just get over” things like this. The fact I remember it and I’m writing about it now proves it remains in my mind, sure. And there is nothing to be ashamed of with that. You can’t just “let go” of things that have shaped you. They are with you forever, even though you are over the emotions they caused at the time.
I am over what that prick in the comments said, but I’m angry at the fact that there are people like that everywhere, no matter what you do. There are incredible creators and creatives in the world right now who are prevented from doing what they can because of fear of ridicule from the kind of people who want them to fail.
There is a huge difference between constructive criticism or simply not finding a creator to be your cup of tea, and telling them that they are worthless.
Bloke who commented on my acting profile ten years ago: fuck you. That is all.